Ridunculous!

We really have become a society of complete idiots, evidenced by the following products that actual dorks people invented and that actual shitheads people buy.

(Click on pictures to see a larger version)

Every morning I wake up and think, I want movie star lashes! Then I’m all DAMN! my mascara is cold. How can I warm it up, plus add more junk to my bathroom counter top? Voila, automatic mascara warmer! Now I too can have thick luscious lashes and less money in my wallet.

For years I have said I don’t like onions, so I rarely cook with them. True confession: I don’t want to tear up while cutting those little suckers!! Shocking, I know. I’ve lived so long with this soul wrecking secret. It feels good to finally let it out and share it with you all. Because of these glasses I will no longer have to live with my shame.

I love apples, don’t you? But, they are so cumbersome and difficult to store and eat. I hate when I set it down on the table, it starts to roll all over the place. It might even roll off of the table onto the floor and then I would have to throw it out! What am I supposed to do with the core? How can I be environmentally conscious? I purchased for of these bowls, one in each color, so that I can place them in the areas that I normally eat apples. One in the living room, one at my desk, one on the table and one on the back of the toilet seat. Now even my waste will look pretty.

Every single time I am on the golf course *snort* (those who know me - try not to laugh, it will spoil it for the rest of them!) I have got to pee and there is never a bathroom near by. Of course, I could take a hike in the woods, but then I would have to have a full body search for ticks, and although that may prove to be fun, the other golfers may not be too happy about it. Or maybe they would, I guess it would depend on who was on the course that day. Let’s say it was a group of old ladies, they would probably call the course manager, who would then call the cops and then I would have to explain why I was all naked at the 8th hole and that is just too messy. But, on the other hand, it may be a group of men and they would all be, Hey can we assist you? And I’d be all, Hey, the more the merrier, because I hate to exclude people. Then, it would turn into this whole orgy thing and we would be having fun and all, but then the group of old ladies would eventually come along and it would end up the same anyways. Plus, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about that scenario either, unless of course he was with me. This little invention would be PERFECT for me, especially if I had a penis! So, for all of you golfing penis owners, you should totally check this out, because you would not look awkward at all draping the attached towel over your golf handle and standing stock still for at least a few minutes while you relieved yourself. See, I don’t always think only about me. Your welcome!

This next one is TRULY the best invention EVER!!! I am being totally serious now.

Have you ever tried to open a wine or champagne bottle with a regular old cork screw? SCREW that! More than once I have mutilated the cork trying to extricate it from the damn bottle and ended up just finding something to push the cork into the bottle. That sucks! Because then the cork bobs around in the bottle, screwing with your ability to adequately pour a decent glass of wine. Plus, you can’t recork and save it for another day, which means you have to go ahead and drink the whole bottle. Wait a minute, that last one was not a draw back, sorry.
I have this little tool. I love this little tool. I wouldn’t care if it cost $1000 dollars, I would still buy it and would buy it for every wedding present I ever needed to give! It is really that good.

BTW - if you invite me to your wedding, plan on getting one of these, but act surprised. K?