Keeping my fingers crossed

It has been a bad day, that has now spilled into the next day. It is now currently 3am Sunday morning and I have just finished a major meltdown.

I had my first therapy appointment on Friday. She conquers with my M.D. that I have anxiety/panic disorder, but added PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder) due to the car accident last year and the home invasion/shooting this year, which have both intensified my anxiety/panic disorder. Where as I used to be able to mostly control it on my own and now have trouble doing it. She also added depression to the ever lengthening list. I get to see the Psychiatrist on Monday (normal part of starting therapy), he will get the final say as to what is wrong with my crazy ass.

Yesterday morning (Sat), Blain and I both had doctors appointments, to basically follow up with our meds and take care of a few other issues. My doctor upped my Lexapro dosage a bit, because for the most part I am not as anxious as I was prior to taking it, but I still have my moments. So we will see how that goes. He also gave me a different kind of sleeping pill (Roseram), to see if we can get my insomnia under control. The Trazadone he prescribed previously to help me sleep was giving me splitting headaches the next morning, so obviously I was not good at taking them when I should have.

As you can see I did not take one tonight because I had to work and didn’t get home until nearly 1am. Prior to going to work I took a nap and slept passed my alarm, making myself 1 hr late for work. I HATE when that happens. I am generally a pretty dependable person, and even though they were very understanding and were not mad at me, I still HATE it. I tried to call them to let them know I was on my way, but my damn phone didn’t have a dial tone. So, I just jumped in the car and headed over there. My phone is in conjunction with my internet and cable service, so it is what you would call Digital Voice or Cable Phone. My cable and obviously my internet connection work fine. When I got home tonight I jumped on my computer and started a live chat with a tech at the cable company. Fat lot of good that did me. They are all IDIOTS!!! Suffice it to say, I still have no phone service and they will try to get a tech out by the 7th. That is where my meltdown occured. Had I been able to reach through my computer and choke the person on the other end, I would have done it. You should have seen the chat session (that went on for more than an hour!), by the end I was typing in all CAPS to emphasis my displeasure of their shitty service. I want to snap!

Now for the really bad part.

Blain asked the doctor about a cough he has been having. They took a chest xray and something is wrong. The Dr said there is a “mass” in the left lob that is “abnormally” large with the possibility of a smaller “mass” in the right lob and referred him for a catscan, that of course we will not be able to try to schedule until Monday. The Dr would not venture a guess as to what it is, gave no possibilities as to what it might be and Blain sensed a change in his demeanor to quite serious as he was discussing it with him.

I am “trying” to not worry.