I would.

I would wait.
I would run.
I would stop.
I would go; fast, slow, backwards, forwards.
I would fall so fast; I fell so fast, so hard that each second in each minute became something epic, tangible, and vastly significant.
Those seconds were smooth and soothing as they ran through my fingers.
They made my heart race, those seconds, they slowed my breathing and there is this lingering feeling in my stomach.
This feeling maybe tugging, maybe an aching, it is oh so welcome.
These seconds let the light in; they are blinding in their beauty.
I shut my eyes to feel them rush past.
Eyes closed, I still know they are a blur, time is a blur, but it is so lovely.

Here…

Or here…

Or here…

Or here…

One of my friends (@KrissyPaul) on Twitter posted this link the other day. Kubideh Kitchen, a take-out restaurant that only serves cuisine from countries that the United States is in conflict with.

How cool is this idea? First of all…yum! Secondly, some sociologists have noted, food is probably one of the easiest ways for cultures to assimilate one another. It will be interesting to see what country they will highlight next. Someone in the SL,UT needs to jump on this idea and set up shop here. Not that we don’t already have Middle Eastern restaurants here (I’m dying to try Mazza), but the idea behind why is brilliant! Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all tried to understand and embrace each others culture? And this would be why I’m an International Studies student. Foreigners and foreign cultures fascinate me and food is always a great introduction.

This reminds me to tell you about the book I am currently reading, Laughing without an Accent: Adventures of a Global Citizen, which is the second book by Firoozeh Dumas. The first book being, Funny in Farsi: A Memoir of Growing Up Iranian in America. Both, excellent reads. Each chapter, a vignette of humorous stories of the life of an immigrant from Iran. I particularly like the stories about her father, Kazem. I need to meet this man, what a character! Having come to the US prior to the Iranian Revolution, it was heartbreaking to read how she and her family were treated by Americans during and after the Iran Hostage situation. I was only 10 at the time that occurred, but I vaguely remember the negative sentiment towards Iranians. Same goes for current conditions with Afghanistan and Iraq, not to mention Iran and other Middle Eastern countries. We can not take the evil actions of some and paint a sweeping judgement across them all. Each has a unique and beautiful history and culture, filled with amazing, vibrant people. And food, don’t forget the food!

Firoozeh Dumas is also a contributor on NPR, you can hear her podcasts here.

Want more books that look into other cultures? I’ve read several books written by Jean Sasson, to include the Princess Trilogy. A fascinating look into life in Saudi Arabia.

Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women. Endlessly fascinating and a real eye opener.

Both books by Luong Ung (Cambodia) and Le Ly Hayslip (Vietnam). Both women write about their experiences in their native countries, during The Killing Fields and Vietnam War, respectively. With follow up books describing their experiences as immigrants in the US.

Any book by Amy Tan, although novels, she includes mass amounts of information about Chinese culture. I really liked Saving Fish from Drowning, which takes place mostly in Burma (Myanmar) and introduced me to Animism and how this religion or philosophy works.

And for God’s sake, next time you go out to dinner, skip the nasty chain restaurants and check out a locally owned ethnic place. Don’t know where to go? Check out Urbanspoon. Restaurants are rated by customers, include media and customer reviews and often have a link to menus and websites. Try something new. Learn something new. Look beyond being American.

So, I think I have figured it out. June has it out for me. I’m not sure what I did to June to piss it off, but as far as I can tell it started last year. During the last week of May this year, I was recalling how absolutely craptastic June was last year. Then, I was thinking how fast the last year has gone by. Then, I was wondering if June would once again be craptastic.

The answer is YES!

1. Found out some very disturbing information that I, unfortunately, can not discuss. (Don’t you just hate when I do that? I only mention it because it adds to the shiteousness. You will just have to trust me on this one. It was a like a punch to the gut.)

2. While in Seattle last week, my nephew was house/dog sitting for me. That is, he was looking after Nero, Kitty, Tigger and the new one Martini. Oh, yeah, and the cat Mao Mei.

Nero, Tigger & Kitty

Teeny Martini

My ex decided he wanted to have one of the dogs at his house. Technically, Nero, Kitty and Tigger were “our” dogs, but since the split, they live with me and occasionally visit him, but usually when he has the kids too. I didn’t know he had Kitty at his house. First, I hear about it when Tal called to tell me he lost Kitty in Murray Park (which is right behind his house). She ended up coming back later. Then, the next day, while driving home, I get a text message from the ex, telling me Kitty got out again, was hit by a car and has died.
R.I.P. Kitty.

3. I have one kid in Louisiana visiting her Papa. It is a two week visit. She was good for about a week and now just wants to come home. The other kid was dropped off at my brothers house in Seattle. This is her first time away from home and so far away. It was horrible to have to call her and tell her about Kitty. She’s a huge animal lover, especially when it comes to our pets. The remaining 12 hours of that drive home was pure hell!

4. School. Five classes this semester. It’s finally sunny outside. Enough said.

5. It’s a Friday night and I am sitting at home. I should be doing homework, but instead I’m blogging and fighting off spiders. But, really, I should be doing something entirely different and can’t.

According to item #3 on my Fuckit List, I want to visit all fifty states someday. So far, I’ve been to 34 and by early next month, I will have bumped it up to 35 by driving to Seattle, which FINALLY gets me Oregon.

I recently came across a blog, 48 States, 50 Days. Greg is a recent graduate of Texas A&M University. On June 7th, he will start this little adventure and will be blogging along the way. This is his route:

I’m so jealous! This trip would be grueling, but so incredible. It also reminds me of one of our recent book club books, Travels with Charley by John Steinbeck. If you haven’t read it, you should. And keep up with Greg too.

I forgot I had a blog!

Nah, really, haven’t had anything to say or at least the desire to write it down or the time to not do it.

I should maybe write something soon.

Update: had to correct a spelling error. Can’t type for shit lately. Also, a good reason for my absence.

Nineteen years ago today, I stood in a small Justice of the Peace office in Slidell, La, just outside of New Orleans. Earlier that day, I had graduated from my Air Force tech school at Keesler Air Force Base, Biloxi, MS. We had gotten engaged over the phone a few weeks before, while I was in basic training at Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio, TX. Just a few weeks prior to that, we had broken up and I had moved out. Back up a few months earlier, I had moved in with him after only knowing him for two months. Even when I look back at it, I think it’s was crazy. But, I was only 20, and twenty-somethings don’t always make the best judgement calls. (Read: Twenty-somethings shouldn’t even be allowed to make those kind of decisions.)

Back to the JP office. We were late getting there, so it was just me, him and the JP. We were handed a piece of paper with the vows typed on them. I skimmed through them quickly, briefly stopping to cross out the words “obey” where ever they appeared. (That’s a fact!) C’mon, I was 20, but not that damn stupid. It was quick and painless and we were on our way.

Why in God’s name would I marry someone I had only known for a total of 7 months, and already had issues with? I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that for years. Best I can come up with is that once I got to basic training, I got scared to go on this little adventure all by myself. Maybe, it’s because he was fun and made me laugh and I loved him.

Do I regret my marriage? Not one bit. Would any sane person regret it? Probably. Do I regret the decision to divorce. Not for one millisecond.

I have a deep belief that everything happens for a reason. For every miserable moment, there was an equally joyous moment. But, there came a time when the bad ones started to outweigh the good. A time I knew I deserved better. A time I knew it was time to move on. A long realization that I deserved to be happy. It taught me invaluable lessons. I become a better person. And I was given two incredible daughters.

Now, if I could just get this divorce finalized, so I can start my new adventures with no unfinished business.

I’m coming to the end of the spring semester. I’ve learned two very important things. I totally suck at math, but I totally kick ass at English!

I failed algebra and will have to take it again. Boo!

I got an A in English. My last assignment was a Research Paper. This is the feedback I got from my professor on the rough draft submission:

Exceptional work. The paper was well-written, assertively argued, and expertly supported with quality sources.

This is the feedback I got on my final draft:

You did an exceptional job on the research paper. Would you mind if I used your paper as a sample student paper for future students?

Oh yeah! I rock! Algebra can SUCK IT!!

If interested, you can read my paper below. (Psst…you might just learn something you didn’t previously know.)

U.S. and the Khmer Rouge

The Khmer Rouge, a Cambodian communist guerilla organization, formed in the early 1970’s, overtook Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital city, in 1975, creating what they called Democratic Kampuchea. Led by Pol Pot, the Khmer Rouge, reigned terror over the people of Cambodia until 1979, killing an estimated 1.5 million Cambodians in the worst act of genocide in modern times. They were not stopped until the Vietnamese military intervened and overthrew the despotic government. The Khmer Rouge, although out of power, remained intact and active for three decades, thanks in no small part to the United Nations and the United States government and its policies, which failed to intervene or to hold Pol Pot and his regime responsible.

During this time period, which overlapped the United States’ involvement in the neighboring Vietnam War, the U.S. not only did not attempt to prevent the massacre of nearly one fourth of the Cambodian population, but actually assisted and armed the Khmer Rouge. The U.S. continued to support the murderous faction until policy changes in the 1990’s. In doing so, the United States, claiming to stand on the moral high ground and continuously touting moral and ethical human treatment, frequently maintains duplicitous policies.

In the book, Altered States: A Reader in the New World Order, the author Ben Kiernan states, “During the Pol Pot period… Cambodia was subjected to probably the world’s most radical political, social, and economic revolution. The country was cut off from the outside world, its cities were emptied, its economy was militarized, its Buddhist religion and folk culture was destroyed, and 1.5 million of its eight million people were starved and massacred…and all neighboring countries were attacked” (384).

Pol Pot was a Khmer, an ethnic group that comprised about 80 percent of the Cambodian population. He sought to eliminate those with any other ethnic makeup, generally those that were Vietnamese, Thai or Chinese Cambodians. Also, targeted for execution were intellectuals, and government and military officials from the previous administration. Pol Pot claimed to prefer the simple Khmer peasant, but, many of them were killed also, after being subjected to severe forced labor and starvation. Many others were killed for the inability to adapt to the forced labor camps or for being in the religious minority. In the end he managed to exterminate thousands of ethnic, so-called pure Khmers. Because of this, the term autogenocide was coined, which means the mass murder of one’s own people. The bones of millions of people litter Cambodia’s “Killing Fields” (Bergin 7).

According to the article by Peter Goodman in The Washington Post, on U.S. involvement, “Cambodians first felt the impact of American interests in 1969, courtesy of the Nixon administration’s secret bombing campaign during the Vietnam War” (C2). Goodman goes on to say, “Vietnamese troops fighting the U.S.-backed government in Saigon were taking sanctuary inside Cambodia; the United States responded by carpet bombing the technically neutral country. Amid the resulting food shortages and tides of refugees, the Khmer Rouge guerrillas thrived. They took the Cambodia capital, Phnom Penh, in April 1975, two weeks before Saigon fell” (C2)

Subsequent administrations continued flawed policies concerning Cambodia. In the book State Terrorism and the United States: From counterinsurgency to the War on Terror, Zbigniew Brzezinski, the National Security Advisor during the Carter administration, claims “I encouraged the Chinese to support Pol Pot…Pol Pot was an abomination” (qtd. in Gareau 170). The United States, Brzezinski stated, “winked semi-publicly at Chinese and Thai aid for the Khmer Rouge” (qtd. in Gareau 170).

Support for the Khmer Rouge came in the form of millions of dollars in monetary and military aid, with its beginnings in the Nixon administration, all the way through the Reagan administration. They also continued to exist because Western governments, to include the United States and the United Nations, continued to recognize the Khmer Rouge government as the official government of Cambodia, even after the Vietnamese invasion and subsequent set up of a new government (Clymer 139-140). The U.S. continually vetoed aid proposals from the United Nations, World Bank, and International Monetary Fund to assist Cambodians who were suffering. They did not change their stance until almost a year after the Vietnamese withdrew from Cambodia. However, during the ten year period of Vietnamese occupation, the U.S. supported the Khmer Rouge militarily to the tune of $17-32 million per year (Kiernan 387).

Not until Vietnamese withdrawal and the U.S. and Soviet relations started to normalize in the 1990’s, did policies start to change, giving Cambodia a reasonable shot at normalcy. An article in The New York Times quotes a senior Asian diplomat as saying, “It came to the point that any move Hun Sen made, no matter how positive, was immediately discounted in Washington as a trick of the Vietnamese. It has been obsessive and counterproductive” (Erlanger).

The U.S. was instrumental in ensuring Pol Pot was never brought to justice for the worst genocide in the 20th century. Although, the new Cambodian government held trials, without the presence of Pol Pot and sentenced him to death, the Thai government refused to turn him over and the U.S. failed to demand they do so (Bergin 43). He remained comfortably positioned in Cambodia, although under house arrest, near the border of Thailand, until he died in 1998. His followers claimed he died from a heart attack, but it is also widely rumored he was killed, possibly poisoned by former members of his own group (Gareau 171).

The plight of the Cambodian people was not well known to the average American. The western media helped the U.S. government shield what was actually occurring. Stories of the genocide began to leak out of Cambodia after the Khmer Rouge were displaced, but Americans did not understand it completely until the 1985 release of the movie The Killing Fields. The horrors of this period of time were beginning to be realized and the American people demanded something be done (Gareau 170).

The United States fixation with anything anti-Vietnamese and anti-Soviet formed devastating human rights policies in relation to Cambodia. More than a million people died and millions of others suffered torture and unbelievable cruelty. Just as Pol Pot was never held responsible on the world stage for the atrocities he instigated and committed, nor has the United States ever taken responsibility for their part in it.

I’ve been reading Post Secret for about four years now. All five books and every Sunday morning…without fail.

I’ve posted about it here multiple times, because yeah, I’m addicted.

This past week they had a Post Secret event at the University of Utah. Frank Warren, the guy behind it all, travels around the country sharing the tale of Post Secret, secrets that have never been published and allowing people to share their secrets live.

It was amazing, as expected. Frank was amazing.

Joan E, Cookie and Tal went with me

#1 secret he receives – People pee in the shower.
You are lying if you say you haven’t.
#2 secret he receives – People wish they had someone to share their secrets with.
Perhaps, about sharing their secret of peeing in the the shower? Ya never know.
#3 secret he receives – Loneliness, self harm, thoughts of suicide.
Popular culture does not reflect this. For every 2 murders, there are 4 suicides. More soldiers have died by their own hand, than in battle. Why is this? People are lonely and feel like they can’t talk to people about their secrets.

Sharing secrets, can save lives.

If you suspect some one wants to hurt themselves, ask them. Point blank. Studies show, they will likely tell you the truth. They want help. Listen to them. Without judgement. What ever they are going through is all to real to them. Do not be afraid to remove weapons, prescription medication, etc., from their reach.

My grandmother committed suicide when my Dad was only 18. It affected him greatly and I suspect changed the way he fathered us.

My (ex) husband’s mother committed suicide almost 12 years ago. I know it affected him greatly and changed him in irreversible ways.

I had to ask my (ex) husband several times if he was thinking of hurting himself. He was. I had to hide a gun and prescription medications, more than once. It was difficult, but worth my time to be there for him, when he needed me. I didn’t always understand it and some things I still don’t.

Something new I learned. Walmart is the largest retailer of hard media. Because of this, they also have become the largest censor. Book publishers actually censor books because Walmart may not carry them otherwise. Frank was proud to say, not one Post Secret book has ever been carried by Walmart, for this reason. I’m proud to say, I’ve never bought a single book or CD from Walmart, and never will.

Really, the best part of the evening was getting to meet Frank and get my one of my books signed.

Free your secrets and become who you are

Share one or more of your secrets.
Share them all.
Set them free.
Free yourself.

And, if someone shares their secret with you.
Listen, really listen.
Don’t judge.
Have compassion.
Be grateful they trusted you.

We were able to pack a lot into a short amount of time. I took tons of pics. Most of them were taken with my iPhone, because my piece of shit little point and shoot decided it would be a fantastic idea to die half way through the trip. Yeah, that’s right. Nice! Now my iPhone is my only camera. Um, FML!

It couldn’t have waited to die until after we hiked to Horseshoe Bend, because I’ve have only wanted to go there since FOREVER! And I really didn’t appreciate the other asshole hikers with their fancy DSLR cameras and tripods and long lenses! (I was only a little jealous.)

When we left Powell, they were still in the process of building Antelope Point Marina. It’s gorgeous and has the nicest staff. They really did an incredible job on it. By road, it’s a bit out of the way, but so worth it.

Click on the album below!!!

Lake Powell April 2010

The ride down and back was great. Good weather and great scenery. I can’t wait to go back. Hopefully, this summer. Hopefully, with access to a boat or at least waverunners. Hopefully, with access to ATVs. (A girl can dream!)

PS – On the northern end of our trip, I couldn’t stop noticing the ribbons in the mountains.

By the time we arrived in Page, AZ, my cheeks were sore from smiling so much. We were all giddy with excitement. Tal remembers a lot about living at Powell. I’m surprised how much Lula remembers, considering she was only four when we left.

It was already dark, but we took the time to ride the loop around the town, which only takes about 10 minutes. Got checked into our hotel room and headed to Denny’s…it’s a tradition. I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and get to sleep. I needed the light of day to really see it all.

Although our wake up call was for 7:30am, I was up at 5:00, like a little kid on Christmas morning. First order of business was to visit a few familiar spots in Page. Tal’s elementary school and our old house. Next, our old shop and I’ll be damned if it is not just the way we left it…over seven years ago!!

Wet Desert Watersports - Hasn't changed a bit and has been empty since we left.

I could quite literally open it back up and be in business. Tempting!

More tomorrow…

I’ve made it home!

Not to Salt Lake, which is among many homes I claim (also Okinawa and Georgia), but my hearts home. Lake Powell. Lake Powell is different. Lake Powell is my hearts home.

It was kind of a last minute trip. Thought of, planned and executed in a weeks time. The best way to finish up the girls spring break. It will be a quick trip. No watercraft to play on. I’ve never been here without access to a boat or at least a waverunner. But, I don’t even care. I just needed to come home.

We lived here for a year. We had a boat and waverunner rental company. We worked hard and we played harder. It was the best summer of our lives. So many incredible memories. Even while living here, I knew I was lucky. Every morning I’d look out my window, see the incredible scenery and pinch myself.

It was a beautiful clear day, if not a bit windy in spots. The first half of the six hour drive is fairly boring. First getting through the cities, then endless miles of sage brush, junipers and the occasional tumble weed. But, then you turn off I15 towards Panquitch and the mountains and rock formations start to change. The shape is the first indicator. Then bits of pink started to show up. Today peaking through patches of snow. More and more pink appears, until there is little gray or green or blue left. The pinks are at first pale and light, slowly deepening. Once you get close to Kanab, the mountains are gone, having been replaced with towering dark pink, reddish buttes.

It got dark shortly after leaving Kanab, but I didn’t need the light. I know this scenery like it’s my own back yard. The closer we got to Page, AZ, the more familiar. I didn’t need a map or the road signs. I know the way. My heart knows the way.

It has been exactly 2683 days since we left. Since I’ve seen these beautiful red rocks and crystal clear water. The lake, this lake, has been stuck like a song in my head. A beautiful song, calling me back home.

Tal is about to get her drivers license and she needs to log some hours. So, a week ago Sunday we jumped in the car with no real destination in mind. I left it completely up to her.

We ended up in Delle, UT. Never heard of it and with good reason. I think the only thing there is a gas station. I’m kind of surprised it shows up on Google maps. Basically, we headed west on I-80, towards the NV, stopping first at the Great Salt Lake State Park. Not much is there either besides a stinky beach and a burned out train car. (For those that don’t know the Great Salt Lake, it does stink.) I suppose you could also argue the existence of Saltair and the marina, but we couldn’t get into either. So, fuck ‘em.

It was a beautiful day. Beautiful scenery. Great day with my daughter. I took some pics along the way, though.

This is who you see in the Delle, UT. WTF??